Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
