I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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