Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Sorry my hands just texted you
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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