oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
