You just made me feel so damn special
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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