Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
