I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
You made out with two different species that night
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
