member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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