i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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