I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
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