my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
