I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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