dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
