Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
