about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
