these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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