Kiss
Puke
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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