last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
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