Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
