why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Randomize
