ADVERTISEMENT

• (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.

  (1-603): View more from New Hampshire

  The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.

  Fav 24 7569 1286

  share tweet
  

• (859): View more from Kentucky

  I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible

  Fav 22 875 3210

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (818): View more from California

  It's like a parade of train wrecks.

  Fav 22 1123 2160

  share tweet
  

• (519): View more from Ontario

  I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes

  Fav 10 1637 2987

  share tweet
  

• (508): View more from Massachusetts

  i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.

  Fav 10 3621 1860

  share tweet
  

• (402): View more from Nebraska

  My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"

  Fav 16 3793 1391

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (513): View more from Ohio

  She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....

  Fav 16 5490 1432

  share tweet
  

• (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  Ask politely.

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?

  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  Thats good enough.

  Fav 62 14042 1744

  share tweet
  

• (605): View more from South Dakota

  For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.

  Fav 7 3771 1872

  share tweet
  

• (270): View more from Kentucky

  I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.

  (1-270): View more from Kentucky

  I miss high conversations.

  (270): View more from Kentucky

  Swinging. Is. Amazing.

  Fav 5 2539 1677

  share tweet
  

• (205): View more from Alabama

  In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.

  (205): View more from Alabama

  But happy liver failure. That's what counts.

  Fav 3 1773 969

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (971): View more from Oregon

  He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.

  Fav 7 636 1030

  share tweet
  

• (617): View more from Massachusetts

  So, were they human bite marks at least?

  (434): View more from Virginia

  Your guess is as good as mine.

  Fav 5 1088 678

  share tweet
  

• (401): View more from Rhode Island

  If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.

  Fav 1 134 102

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (813): View more from Florida

  The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.

  Fav 0 59 10

  share tweet
  

Randomize