The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
