this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
