god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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