alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
