guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Randomize
