It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
