eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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