remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
