He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
