We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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