Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
