just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
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