oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
