i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
