At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
