you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
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