She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize
