Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Randomize
