you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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