Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
