I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Randomize
