remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
