This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
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