you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
