I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Randomize
