He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
