Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
