my mouth tastes like poor choices
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
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