laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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